Thinking through choices, assumptions, lack of commitment, not being true.. etc. Personally it’s almost overwhelming and tiring. The one thing I constantly preach is honesty and being true to yourself and your word. I have been really questioning myself here lately because how can I honestly believe in being true to myself when I’m not listening to the instincts I was given? Just simply because I want something doesn’t mean its in the grand design for me to have it. Everything happens for a reason. I know this quote is true but it doesn’t help me not question the motives and the reasons in the moment.
I’ve began to hate the life I’ve made for myself, always wanting but never achieving anything I truly want. I want love, it feels like it’s there right within my grasp but as just as I reach for it.. it slips farther out of my reach. Every piece of me is saying “Just bide your time and it will easily slip into your hands, almost unnoticed” When though, and how will I know if it’s true?
I’ve gotten to the point where I can label every kind of love I’ve ever thought I felt. It’s not easy playing the fool. Wondering if the person you are so sure of is being honest with you or not. Wondering if they are just playing another game because they see you as easy prey. Hearts are so easily broken, trust so easily lost.
Love feels like a game, one where no matter how hard you fight, cry, or hope you always walk away losing more than you started with. I’m tired of losing, I’m tired of walking away losing my small piece of ground. Feeling like my soul is encumbered in the dark solitary shadows waiting, I continue to console myself with pain, it’s became a tireless battle I don’t even see the worth in fighting for anymore. Why fight when you know you are going to inevitably lose?
I’ve never been with anyone who can’t spare me a few minutes a day. Ever. On top of that being new to me. He’s already shown me about 3000 reasons not to trust him. I feel gullible but also headstrong. This whole situation makes me want to step back and go “Whoa, What exactly have you gotten yourself into here?” at least 3 times an hour. He comes and he goes with his opinions, that in its self is a huge problem. He says “Forever and always” one day and deep down part of me knows this isn’t true that the moment he walks out that door “forever” is gone and to hell with “always”. I am struggling with the past more than I’ve ever struggled with anything. I do believe to a certain degree that this is me guarding myself holding the past up as a shield, keeping myself from getting hurt. I hate feeling like there is some other reason for me being back in his life, I cant ignore it either because it’s a visceral feeling. I dread admitting that he defeated me again. I dread admitting that I love him but am ultimately going to lose him.
I think I’ve gotten a little bit off my mind, what I didn’t I’ll just come back and write about later.
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