Reflections & Dreams

Refections of the disheartened.

Nancy — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 20:33:32 +0000

Here lately I’ve been sitting around on my butt feeling absolutely useless. I just don’t know what to do, feel sad, and lonely.

I feel like maybe I have managed to accomplish something only to fail at the same time.

I managed to fall in love, but I’ve managed to make myself feel like it was short lived on the other end. I find myself missing that freshly found “new love” and the high that came with it is gone.

90% of the day I sit by myself and wonder what it is that makes me feel the way I do.. I haven’t over thought anything in a while, unfortunately in all the past situations every “over thought assumption” was right.

Here I have the one person I would gladly spend the rest of forever with but I feel like maybe forever isn’t exactly in the plans for us. I’m happy, but I have the constant nagging feeling that he isn’t. That maybe going into everything he was, but somewhere along the way he kind of figured out that everything he thought I was, isn’t me. That he’s just settling.. Why make waves when you can be content?

I don’t know.. So many little things have changed and I’m just not sure of his feelings anymore……….

Family Life

Nancy — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 02:48:16 +0000

Ever sit back and wonder what life would be like if you would’ve had different parents, if you were born an only child.

Its difficult when you are raised by a mother who has the personality of a child, always listening to her talk down to you and you never fully understand why she can love her other child, or your child but not you. Why she would even extend a helping hand only to use it as a means to hurt your feelings more. I honestly believe its more-so to hold you back so you can’t be anything except what they want you to be. So you have to hold on to them and let them be in control.

Why do people who aren’t mentally capable of showing any positive emotion even have children? Is it so that they have someone they can hurt for fun, is it so they can have the attention they desperately need?

I’m so tired of the situation, I’m tired of feeling trapped, being told I’m nothing, being treated like nothing.

So mom, I’m so sorry I wasnt born to be whatever it was you wanted me to be, I’m sorry that I’m emotionally strong and you can’t stand it. Mom, I’m sorry that you hate me.

… more to add.

Nancy — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 00:52:25 +0000

I am having another one of those days where you feel like the day starts out so well then suddenly you start falling off the cliff into a hole of shit.

I still have my hopeless optimism to a point, as depressing as it always seems to be. If I could just go with the flow instead of always fighting the current I’m sure I would be so much happier.

I think at this point in my life no matter how good or great I have things there is always the thought of myself never being happy.

I’m convinced something is completely wrong with Nick and I, it’s probably something so simple, and easy to fix but I havent exactly figured it out yet.

I think a big part of everything is my inability or willingness to remember that nothing in my life is his responsibly beyond himself and our relationship. I want him to be my best-friend but I feel like sometimes I have to hold something back. I’m not sure why I do that either.. I feel like I must make myself feel perfect in order for him to give a damn about me, but once that proverbial makeup comes off he isn’t going to feel the same about me, because he already finds so many things he doesn’t like.

My mind catching up with me .. again.

Nancy — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 06:45:37 +0000

The last few days my mind has been working overtime. Figures.
I know I’m a single mother, it sucks sometimes especially when the next day comes and you are absolutely exhausted with so much to do, and all you want is to just roll over throw the blanket back over your head and will the day away.

I have a boyfriend who I love so very very much. The downside is; that I’ve gotten so used to him being around I feel like I’ve given him half the responsibility of caring for my kids. I know he doesn’t want that.. regardless of what he says I feel he finds what I do irresponsible and childish like I’m adding something completely unwanted to his life..

When I had my daughter I was so depressed and felt no one was ever going to find me acceptable because I had not one or two children but a newborn baby as well. A week later I met Nick, didn’t take me long before I was opening myself up to love again when I had decided I would be fine alone, that I was the strong single mom I always thought I could be. He came in and decided I could tell my daughter she was his as well because after all she did have a father who didn’t want her, and he’s been there since the beginning anyway.

Tonight I feel like the whole relationship is a little forced, I’m not sure if that’s more on his part or mine, but it bothers me. I feel guilty because I am thinking I forced my daughter on him and he just doesn’t want to claim her that it was some “first impression” he wishes he could take back.
I feel a certain detachment, and of course things have changed since the beginning. All the sweet things have all but disappeared. I’m worried he doesn’t really want to be here .. with me anymore.

Random Thoughts

Nancy — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 11:13:46 +0000

I’m happy where I am now. I had a beautiful daughter last July from my latest screw up, which helped me find someone I truly love. He is my everything, he lights up a part of my soul I had long forgotten even existed. His eyes and body are absolutely beautiful, his attitude is sexy as hell. I finally found the love I’d been asking for when I didn’t even want it.
With the pregnancy of my daughter I finally accepted that I was meant to raise my children alone, and was on my way to being truly happy with that. The relationships in my past all seem mundane and laughable.

Sure, he makes me mad but honestly though I don’t think that I could tell you what the last argument we had was really about. Doesn’t matter to me as long as he stays around and doesn’t go. I don’t want to think about how life would actually be were he to not be in my life anymore..

I’m happy.. what more could I ask for?

Slowly..Die

Nancy — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 04:06:57 +0000

Savor it
Slowly take it
The poison that
Surely kills

Enjoy the time
You have
While you can

This love
That brings you together
Will ultimately
Bring death

Slowly your
Soul fades
Until all you have
Is emptiness

Bitterness
Taste it
As it overtakes
Everything

Dark consumes
The light
Alls’ left
Is darkness

Slowly
You fade
To nothing

Lost

Nancy — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:09:53 +0000

Love.
Happiness.
Hope.
I felt all these
But you took
My heart and
Broke it.

Hate.
Bitterness.
Hurt.
Is all I feel now.
You took
Away all innocence

Forever
Or never
With you
Either way
I lost.

Untitled

Nancy — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:34:31 +0000

I sneak a look through my lowered lashes
Hopeful you’ll look at me too.
My heart on my sleeve
Why cant you see?

Cant you hear the way I feel in my laugh.
My every thought of seeing you smile.
Wishing you would kiss me all the while.

I take in everything about you
Waiting for you to part.
But still I give you my heart.

As I sit and swing I imagine
Your hand on my face, your eyes on me
Oh what we could be.

Im so afriad to say what needs to be said.
Afraid the words you speak
Wont be the answer I seek.

If you’d take the chance
A promise not made in vain
I’ll hold your hand through the sun and rain.

Truth

Nancy — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:03:35 +0000

Weakness. My ode to you, my dear.

You call me a bad mother,
Yea well were are you?
I’ve been with my children
amongst the good and bad.
I didn’t run,
I stayed and fought
like a proud person would.

I will give credit to the devil himself
you tried to hold me down,
you tried to win.

My weakness was never me
it was always you.
You made me believe all the things you said
repeating them daily,
I finally accepted the things you said as fact.

Not now,
because I see inside you,
I see beyond the fakeness
that solid front you have
I found the crack in the foundation.

You are weak,
you are full of bitterness
and shame,
building yourself up in everyones eyes with lies.

It took me a while to see you for what you were
but once I did it was almost the end anyway
You took away my life.

You tell people lies
How did I do anything
but stand beside your weak ass and hold you up
You still hold on to a piece of me.
I am waiting for the day you finally say
you don’t need me anymore

Don’t play and act innocent
This isn’t about the material things.
This is about actions,
and its time you plead guilt for yours.

You made things what they were.
You made the bed you ultimately died in.
you are reborn trying to pretend that past life never happened.

If I were her
I’d take a look at your past
before I decided to invest anything in such a lost cause.

You are like a sickness that creeps upon someone
and hangs around until you kill them.
You suddenly think you are better than I.
I never say I am better than anyone
but dear I am better than you.
I will gladly give you that freedom you crave
I want to be free of the disease that plagues me

Use me once..Use me twice.. The end

Nancy — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:42:55 +0000

Yesterday I had a hard day. I chose to wait to write about it because someone such as myself has a hard enough time not going overboard.

In previous stories I talked about being used and the effect the realization it had on me. This time the situation is or was completely different. I wasnt just an opportunity for one night. This time it seems like everything was plotted. Cold and heartless is exactly what he was. I am asking myself this today “He says he loves her but, how do u use another person if your love is that strong?” I honestly dont think that person knows one thing about loving anyone but himself. First I experienced true pain.. the kind that actually makes you cry and wish you had payed more attention to the signs. He never looked away when he fed me “I love you” as if he wanted to judge his lies and see if I believed him. His eyes lacked a certain ammount of empathy. Truth be told.. You always hear people say “Everyone deserves love” No. They don’t. Some people get exactly what they deserve. My pain quickly turned to hatred, and I couldnt have cared less if he lived until tomorrow. Why though? Hate just weakens the mind and you cant see any of the good things you are so blessed to have. I may have been upset last night but I woke up this morning feeling light, he knocked me down but I decided that in the end he wasnt anything more than mud on my feet, not the quicksand I imagined. How can I let him take away every piece of happiness I have hope in finding? That would imply hes won some kind of control over me. Let him dictate and fuck up his own life.. This is the last entry I will ever make reference to him in again. The past in just that, the past. I’m looking up to the sky and searching for my perfect new chapter.

Shuffle, deal, and play ‘em right.

Nancy — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 02:40:49 +0000

I had a conversation with a friend today about how a poker game is a little like some of the relationships we have in life. The conversation started out as the normal her and I screwing around talking about stupid things. We realized though that life really is like a card game. Relationships moreso than we thought. It’s all about searching for what hand you actually want to play. Also being aware if the hand is a good playable hand. She and I play completely different. She’s what is called a “hard rock” meaning she plays tightly and keeps close to the vest always looking for the best cards. where I am an aggressive, loose, reckless player also known as a “donk” thinking I can always make a hand out of nothing. I’m always trying to win with my statistically bad cards (7,2) If you think about this you can see that the cards symbolize men. I look for the hopeless, no way in hell am I getting the guy situation and I play it out, knowing I can’t ever win but still hoping around the corner I’m going to get a good turn and change the situation. She does the opposite and gets a guy but doesnt act on it because shes too busy trying to bluff herself out thinking something better is coming if she lets this one go. We decided that sometimes you have to lose a few small hands to achieve the big pay out we both deserve. Not over think our play, or be too impulsive because its all about balance.

As a side note I had originally picked Suzanne Vega – No Cheap Thrill but it has a no embedding code on it. Here is the link if youre interested. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYY4itItDU4

Nancy — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:25:14 +0000

I realized today that the absence of a person helps you decide what you really do want. I thought myself in love with Sam. Honestly though when you think love dont you think ; throw your head back and laugh, Fun, someone who is the other piece of you? I think I loved a part of him. Love is meant to be a complete unconditional thing. You can hate something but love it at the same time. Love is about complete honesty, and total trust. For me to think it was complete and true would make me a fool. I think I gave him the extra chances to prove to myself I did nothing wrong. To prove that you cant change who you are no matter how much you make the claim.One day I will find all the above things but why rush it? I’m 24 not 50. I have a whole life to lead. Friendships to make, people to help, I haven’t even started yet. While I would have loved to prove myself wrong so I could have the rest of what I wanted I can’t. He isnt my perfect fit. I need someone who will drop whatever to cheer me up when I’m down, someone who doesn’t care to piss me off if needed, just someone to be around on those nights I’m completely needy. Someone who will accept me as me. Not expect me to sit and wait. Love isn’t always grand..I know, but it isn’t supposed to make you doubt, or sad all the time. I’ll figure out where love is one day. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 1o years but thats all part of being alive and living. Half the adventure is finding someone who is true.

Undecided

Nancy — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:55:16 +0000

Thinking through choices, assumptions, lack of commitment, not being true.. etc. Personally it’s almost overwhelming and tiring. The one thing I constantly preach is honesty and being true to yourself and your word. I have been really questioning myself here lately because how can I honestly believe in being true to myself when I’m not listening to the instincts I was given? Just simply because I want something doesn’t mean its in the grand design for me to have it. Everything happens for a reason. I know this quote is true but it doesn’t help me not question the motives and the reasons in the moment.

I’ve began to hate the life I’ve made for myself, always wanting but never achieving anything I truly want. I want love, it feels like it’s there right within my grasp but as just as I reach for it.. it slips farther out of my reach. Every piece of me is saying “Just bide your time and it will easily slip into your hands, almost unnoticed” When though, and how will I know if it’s true?

I’ve gotten to the point where I can label every kind of love I’ve ever thought I felt. It’s not easy playing the fool. Wondering if the person you are so sure of is being honest with you or not. Wondering if they are just playing another game because they see you as easy prey. Hearts are so easily broken, trust so easily lost.

Love feels like a game, one where no matter how hard you fight, cry, or hope you always walk away losing more than you started with. I’m tired of losing, I’m tired of walking away losing my small piece of ground. Feeling like my soul is encumbered in the dark solitary shadows waiting, I continue to console myself with pain, it’s became a tireless battle I don’t even see the worth in fighting for anymore. Why fight when you know you are going to inevitably lose?

I’ve never been with anyone who can’t spare me a few minutes a day. Ever. On top of that being new to me. He’s already shown me about 3000 reasons not to trust him. I feel gullible but also headstrong. This whole situation makes me want to step back and go “Whoa, What exactly have you gotten yourself into here?” at least 3 times an hour. He comes and he goes with his opinions, that in its self is a huge problem. He says “Forever and always” one day and deep down part of me knows this isn’t true that the moment he walks out that door “forever” is gone and to hell with “always”. I am struggling with the past more than I’ve ever struggled with anything. I do believe to a certain degree that this is me guarding myself holding the past up as a shield, keeping myself from getting hurt. I hate feeling like there is some other reason for me being back in his life, I cant ignore it either because it’s a visceral feeling. I dread admitting that he defeated me again. I dread admitting that I love him but am ultimately going to lose him.

I think I’ve gotten a little bit off my mind, what I didn’t I’ll just come back and write about later.

Forever, or now.. does it really matter?

Nancy — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:48:40 +0000

Could she do it? That’s the question she kept asking herself time and again.

Only when she looked into his eyes did she feel like she was completely sure that she could. She could love him forever. Get lost inside her happiness. She wasn’t one to underestimate the power of love, No that wasn’t the problem. It was finding someone who was true.. That was the key.

Someone who could make you feel lighter. Someone who made you lose yourself, and all control and not even care. When they were around you lost the need to remember the past. You knew they cared, you felt it deep down whenever you looked into their eyes. The world was still, the two of you were the only things that mattered. The time you had never seemed like it was long enough. You found yourself praying it would never end, but dreading the awful truth knowing it would.

This heartbreaking fact became her cross to bear. The pain was beginning to be a constant reminder never allowing her heart to heal. She wanted so much from him. He made her throw out any past reservations about a lot of things, just because she was in love with him. She was so unsure about his degree of love for her because of past mistakes. She was afraid she was there in his life for all the wrong reasons. She wasn’t completely secure about the way things were going. She always seemed to carry a thin shield over her heart in fear of him leaving her once again. Things that should be easy for her and once were are now difficult.

She sees him as someone who will be there for her now, making promises he knows he isn’t going to be around to fulfill giving her every hope that she’s found forever. She’s felt pain before though. Finally she decided that if it isn’t really going to be forever then she will enjoy his version of forever. Give as much love she’s able to give, have as much happiness as she can, so when he does indeed step away she has enough of him to last through memories and be glad she had him in her life the brief time she did. Regretting nothing, taking in everything. After all it isn’t about the time you have together it’s what you do with the time you have.

Could she do it? That’s the question she kept asking herself time and again.

Paint a heart on her arm (rewrite)

Nancy — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 15:30:56 +0000

She felt the turmoil inside her heart, feeling like a thick sludge that she couldn’t get around. Seemed like some days all she wanted to do was escape. She wanted to get out of the glass she was trapped behind, watching everyone else live while she was stuck in place wishing something would happen to her that would make living feel worthwhile. She hates when the tears fall because it makes her feel weak. Weakness isn’t something she wants to associate with.

She feels like even in a room of people she is alone, with no one around to express an interest in her personal pain. She envies happy people, or people who know how to cry, how to express the emotions they feel. She’s afraid the moment she feels happiness it will disappear. She’s afraid to love anymore, because of the past. She’s afraid if once she starts to cry she won’t ever stop. So she turns to the only thing she’s ever found solace with. She walks to the bathroom with the overwhelming feeling in her stomach, the need to feel and the will to live and love.

She chokes back a sob, because after all what does crying solve? It relieves nothing , she just wishes that she could cry harder. She struggles with the same decision every time. She can’t control the strong needful urge to do this, she feels like sometimes all she needs is the threat of ending it all, the pain as she cuts into her own flesh, the blood trickling onto her thigh. All those things make her feel alive, She closes her eyes and takes a breath knowing that soon everything will feel fine again.

The act lets her know that she’s able to feel, the hurt is washing away as the first droplet falls to the floor. Cut after cut she watches the blood as it slowly make a small pool onto the floor. It becomes an addiction, like a drug you depend upon and need to have near at all times. It washes away the bad things, the things you want to let go of but can’t ever seem to outrun. The love she’s never had, the love she’s often sought in the wrong places. The people who have promised and ran at the first sign of distress. She knows she can depend on the object in her hand to make weight of the world go away.

As a single tear falls onto her thigh mixing with the fresh wound causing it to burn , Sitting there in the floor she wonders if there is a person out there strong enough to help someone such as herself. To make her see the beauty in things she cant change, someone to help her embrace the turmoil she feels and turn it into something special. Someone to hold on to her and keep her from this state, to help her learn to cry, to find happiness, to teach her that not every good thing comes with a price.

She decides that tonight those things aren’t going to happen so she pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them she rests her head on her knees and imagines that she’s anywhere but in her bathroom floor holding a razor in her hand.

A crossroad

Nancy — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:51:15 +0000

She closes her eyes and sees his smile.. She tries to sleep but cant. She keeps remembering certain little facts and moments of the past. Something she tried hard to forget but sometimes fate has another plan.
I think sometimes we have to lose, give up, or walk away from things because there is a much deeper plan in store for us, maybe it isn’t time for things to go the way they are supposed to… sort of like writing a story then running out of things to say, the best thing to do is put it aside for a later date until you can handle it or find something more to say.

She decides sleep isn’t coming to her tonight so she reaches to turn on the light, no use sitting in the dark even though it might make thinking much easier. Fate is on her mind tonight, why cant the choices she has to make be so much easier. She starts to think that fate dealt her an extra hand in essence this is her crossroad thinking through the choices she has. She can pick safe, probably non exciting or she can go with something she wants, something that makes her happy, but its unknown and a little scary. She’s learned that everything you do in your life shapes your future, and the future choices as well. Honestly though the path she’s veering towards is a little unreliable but sometimes you cant help the way things are when you want them and in her mind she’s hoping that it will be different. That things wont go straight to hell as soon as she accepts and trust the choice she makes.

She rides high on the train of hopes and dreams but knows at the end of the turn there is usually a world of disappointments and more insecurities. In her mind she sees.. A dirt road that says “Right; to your future and Left; to your hopes and dreams” Should she go for those hopes or should she keep her feet planted firmly on the ground?

Nancy — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:53:29 +0000

I’ve always heard you have to love yourself before you can even begin to think of loving someone else.
What happens when you do finally embrace those shortcomings and start to find beauty in the ugliness?
I don’t necessarily believe that you have to love yourself, I think that you have to come to a basic understanding and realization of hey this is me, this is who I am.. I may not be a supermodel, or the beauty queen but I am pretty, I’m not changing so I need to accept it. Then you can begin to grow up. That’s a hard thing to do but I’ve finally realized that people wont respect you if you don’t do it first. Last year I had so many fears, so many shortcomings.. Or so I believed and that made me hesitate in so many aspects of my life. I didn’t see what everyone else saw in me. I still don’t but now I think of the quote “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” I fully believe in that now. I believe also that if something is meant to be I cant change it one way or the other. Sometimes I might wish for a certain outcome or hope with all I’m worth that I could have whatever it is that I want but that doesn’t mean I can sway the fates to give me what I want anymore than the next person. I worried too much about everything, but with a lot of work and support I am working on that too. I used to be terribly afraid to be alone, Not so much anymore because loneliness has given me the opportunity to find myself in a way I never got to. I think I am almost completely successful in the journey of self-discovery I do still have a few hang ups to resolve .. Who doesn’t though. Trust, and impatience being the two key flaws in my “system” With enough practice and support from those who love me I think I can get over those.

Another dose of Random thoughts.. part 3

Nancy — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:47:50 +0000

What compels us to continuously look for the perfect piece of us in another person? Is the need to find others like us programmed into us by the forces of nature? I remember when I was little I didn’t really know what the reason behind having a boyfriend was or why I had a crush I just knew that cute meant something that you wanted.

When I met my ex-husband I don’t even remember having a crush, or hell I don’t even remember liking him. Thinking back if I had took the time to get to know him I would have seen every single reason not to like him, or even marry him. Which brings on the question why does every girl feel the need to be attracted to the bad, the unstable, the horrible in men? We don’t want trouble, we don’t want to settle for less than what we deserve .. So we say but we constantly contradict ourselves by letting the nice guys get away or finish last.

Then we decide to blame the man for screwing up when we ourselves already know what’s in a mans nature.. shouldn’t we blame ourselves for knowing the way they are, the things they will do but because we allowed ourselves to be blind to the faults, we trusted blindly?

What will he do?

Nancy — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:16:41 +0000

There once was a girl who gave everything, even when she should hold something back. There were always people to exploit the emotions and feelings she had because she never hesitated her to share her adventures and failures. Openness was her greatest fault, because unfortunately there weren’t too many people who could handle the frankness of her personality.

Deep down she knows that all men are the same, and deep down she knows that without a doubt that every single insecurity she’s ever have been founded by men feeding her line after line of bullshit. So she pushes the boundaries or searches intently for every single flaw because she doesn’t want some guy to run at the first sight of trouble. She’s had loved losers before so now she sees this as a way to separate the weak from the strong. Its also a way to see if someone is capable of truly caring about someone other than themselves.

Will he run? Will he stay? If he does break through her carefully placed wall will he stay knowing that half the challenge is over? Will he take care with the vulnerability that she will show if she lets him in, or will he show himself as a man amongst men?

*** I wrote this as a letter to send someone but I never actually put it in the mail, I feel more comfortable sharing with y’all.

Happiness, Summertime, and my Pa.

Nancy — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 23:30:27 +0000

What is happiness really? Some define it as a baby being born, others define it as something as simple as a bittersweet summer memory. A taste or a smell can bring it back so easily. I remember spending many summer days at my grandfathers house, playing, running around getting into mischief like most kids do. I also remember that those are the summers I loved him. I didn’t have a care in the world and I was surrounded by people that loved me. Thinking about the way the relationship with him turned out hurts a little. I used to feel guilt when I thought of my grandfather. I never really gave him the chance he deserved. He wasn’t trying to be all the things I saw. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was trying to give me the gift of wisdom. He may have been seen as a somewhat cynical and mean old man but he was my pa and if had just taken the time from being a stubborn, strong headed, rebellious child I would have seen he was telling me all the things I needed to hear. The summer’s we had when I was little will always be something I will remember for the rest of my life. That old beagle hound he had, the cows, the chickens, the smell of fresh cooked cabbage, the taste of the sweet tea. How he would come gather us all up and take us to the pond behind the house where the weeds were tall, the days were long, and the breeze was short.. The way he would tease, the way he was grouchy towards not one person but everyone. I even remember the two old ladies at the house at the end of the driveway who always knew who was doing what with whom. These are the things I wish I could have again, The times when we were all together and almost completely happy. I know sometimes we act or judge without thinking, I think I will always be hurt that he and I didn’t ever get around to seeing eye to eye. I guess this was to make peace with all the things that didn’t exactly go right where he and I are concerned. I used to go visit his grave, cry and apologize but somehow thinking of the good things seems more fitting. In all actuality he is my hero, and up until this very moment I never realized what a great person he really was.

And she finally smiled

Nancy — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 00:00:52 +0000

Today she decided that maybe all men weren’t bad. How could they be when he made her laugh so much? He made her feel good about herself without even trying, made her shy, and nervous but at the same time excited and relaxed. She found herself acting like a girl again. Feeling those emotions were strange… But nice. Frightening but worth experiencing.He didn’t have to talk when they were together he just had to be there. The only thing that made this instance so much different was he didn’t shower her with compliments like any of the others, if he did they were subtle making them actually mean something. To her that made him real. Quite honestly she hadn’t really had a thought about the men of her past until this second, because he wasn’t like any of them he was… special. Maybe like that rare one of a kind object you find at the most unlikely places. She wanted to associate the word serendipity with meeting him. The only crazy out of place thing about the whole situation was that she’d never met him before. Maybe that made her crazy but she wasnt pretending to care, she met someone who was listening to her opinons,someone who did make her feel valued even if she had no idea where this thing would lead and he was equally as opinionated he didn’t just adapt to her way of thinking. Talking with him kind of felt like the script of You’ve Got Mail, or kind of like having a pen-pal you’ve never met but know and feel something special. She’s excited to see where it will go. She is worried about her every flaw but so comfortable.. At the same time non-expectant and accepting of any outcome. Someone asked her if she had talked about “the other guys” she simply answered “I don’t know where this is going yet but they don’t matter and it’s the past, if he wants to know he can just ask.” She felt like even if he just stayed on friend terms that she had finally found that person she could be herself around without omitting any details. Maybe that was the reason she found herself smiling and not stressing. She was learning a very important lesson from him. Everyone has something special to offer, you just have to find the person willing to accept the good, the faults, flaws, and all.

Happiness through a finer shade of green

Nancy — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 09:16:35 +0000

As she got onto her side of the bed she realized that Wow she had never been made love to like that. Never once had she looked at a man in the middle of such love making and saw so much love. She had to agree that sex was so much better if there was some sort of connection other than attraction. She felt it when she looked into his eyes.. That magic was there, the one she’d only heard about. The butterflies, the stuff all her daydreams were made of. She had just spent the best hour of her life in bed with someone she wanted forever.. That thought wasn’t scary to her anymore like it once was. She was positive that she would always have a few nagging doubts but as long as he was by her side she knew all she would have to do was take one look into his green eyes and she knew every single one of those doubts would just disappear into a cloud of dust. Having his arms around her now made her feel safe and secure. He called her “pretty” not beautiful and to her that meant so much more than he could ever comprehend. She didn’t understand how to process the emotion of love. Was it okay to tell everyone or Should she hold it in and keep it to herself? She didn’t know and was afraid if she voiced it that the feelings, the relationship would just vanish. She always had a hard time keeping the past out of the present, being the pessimist in the relationship waiting for it to fail. She was tired of the negative. She wanted happy, and light. It was time to start the new chapter, the one where the heroine finally had her prince and her happy ending.

Seeking acceptance

Nancy — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:00:24 +0000

She tried so hard to be accepted, to please anyone who she thought would readily take her in. Today she asked herself Why, why do I do this to myself? It had lost its appeal, she had almost found herself stopping and wondering Why the hell does it matter? All these people and I still feel like there is no one. Is everyone fake? These days it seemed like no one said what they meant. It seemed like there were two types of people in the world. The ones who knew what they wanted and did anything to get it. Then the ones who stood silently in the background waiting for the right and convienent time to just step in and take it. A small part of her heart held onto that sliver of hope that there were still a few nice,honest, dependable people out there waiting just around the corner to catch her off guard.She hoped not everyone had a hidden agenda, she remembered a time when she was gulibile and how easily she was swept away. How she could just feel something and smile because it made her feel light on her feet, because she walked around with a thought in her head and a smile on her face. Now her wistfulness is gone replaced with tales of untruthfulness and betrayal. She now understands that if she sees things as a temporary situation then it doesnt hurt when its all over and finished. She can just end that chapter and start a new one, meanwhile keeping her pride and her already tatered heart as much as she can.

Epiphany ; A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something.

Nancy — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:00:11 +0000

This isnt a story or anything depressing but I’m bored and wanted to write something so actually I’m not sure what this will turn out to be.
My life isn’t a fairytale but that doesnt keep me from pretending that it is. It isn’t even close to being what I want it to be. I love too quicky but I have been thinking about that. Loving all these different people and giving myself so quickly might happen for a reason. What if I’m there to touch thier lives in some way? Maybe they won’t remember me but maybe the times we did spend together taught them something.. what I don’t have a clue. Maybe they learned that I’m just a girl with emotions and feelings like everyone else. With a past I’ve learned to embrace rather than be ashamed of. Maybe they see carefree, or maybe that I worry a lot more than anyone else. I just hope that whoever has been in my life can say “hey, I knew a girl and she was something else.” I am completely in love with my life as it is now. I discovered I don’t need a man. Dates sure, a friend to hang around with when I’m lonely but I don’t need anyone except myself and my two little boys. We’ve made it the last year with nothing and that tells me that I am strong and I can do and be whatever I want. I understand I might have nights when I want nothing more than someone to hold and love me, but its totally worth waiting for. I will not give my love to anyone anymore who doesn’t deserve me. I want respect, I want someone who will look at me and take every piece of me and love every damn bit of it with no reserve and until I feel that and see it I dont want and won’t settle for anything other than that. I’ve realized that everyone else is just a passing memory, a lesson to be learned. I will be patient and not let people use me or take advantage of the things I have to give. To hell with anyone who thinks they are better than I am, to hell with people who want to use me and throw me away.. Because in reality it is I who is using you. I’m using you as a way to learn what isn’t right and what it is I don’t want.